90’s Pop Songs That Need to Die…Like, Right Now



Let’s stop all the crap. No more of this, “LOL! 90s songs are so cheesy, but we love them anyway,” malarkey. We’re done. It’s time for the past to be the past. It’s not as if we don’t have a slew of songs that are superior in every way. Go now to Spotify and marvel at what’s on offer and let us never again acknowledge that certain songs from two decades ago were ever in vogue.

 

And with that, it is with gleeful haste that we finally give the following five pop songs from the 1990s the Old Yeller treatment. No, don’t do it behind the shed. We’ll stay and watch. Popcorn?

 

5) Hanson – “MMMbop” [1997]

 

I’m not exactly sure what an MMMbop is, but it almost sounds adorable. It kind of reminds me of an amateur comic artist’s first attempt at doing an onomatopoeia for an action-packed scene. Except in this instance, the action is taking place in a warehouse filled floor-to-ceiling with squeaky toy hammers.

 

Also, remember the episode of Family Guy where known sexaholic Glenn Quagmire discovers that Taylor Hanson was actually a guy? Yeah, this was me once. No, that’s not why this song needs to die. I’d be quite happy to find Taylor Hanson attractive if he and his brothers had penned “All Along The Watchtower” or “Master Of Puppets.” Alas, they didn’t.

 

4) Ricky Martin – “Livin’ la Vida Loca” [1999]

 

I feel I must apologise right off the bat. Just by reading the title above you’ve already got the main hook of the song stuck in your head and there it shall remain. I know because it’s in my head as well. That is why songs such as this need to disappear from our collective consciousness. It’s a plague. A parasite.

 

No, destroying every evidence of it won’t stop it from entering our minds at the most inopportune moments, but it will make me feel better knowing it will no longer be able to infect future generations. It’s a public service that needs to be carried out. Stand back. This could get ugly.

 

3) Lou Bega – “Mambo Number 5” [1999]

 

I wish I was intelligent enough to take a jive dance song from the 1940s and add a set of lyrics which consist almost entirely of a list of women I’d like to play horizontal wrestling with. That is exactly what Lou Bega did back in 1999 and it freaking worked! The song was at the number one spot in the UK and Australia, and was number two in the US.

 

“Mambo Number 5” is just one of a handful of examples pop songs that were, shall we say, easy on the lyrics. Not that we expect them to be written by Bob Dylan, but songs that ask us to jump up and down and put our hands to the ground don’t exactly inspire much. And is it just me, or does the line, “you can’t run and you can’t hide,” sound a wee bit concerning?

 

2) Aqua – “Barbie Girl” [1997]

 

You can just hear it can’t you? It’s pure poison to the soul and it’s probably one of the reasons why I turned to death metal to push aside such irritating goop (hint: it worked). Its Euro-pop nature was enough to grate the eardrums of any self-respecting music lover. Yet somehow, it wasn’t grating enough and has become somewhat of a staple at annoying parties where it somehow makes its way onto someone’s playlist.

 

“It’s ironic,” they’ll claim as the room comes to a standstill and everyone glares sabres at the known polluter of sounds. It’s not ironic. The only ironic thing about playing “Barbie Girl” in the 21st Century is when someone beats up whoever played it with an actual Barbie doll.

 

1) Los del Rio – “Macarena” [1995]

 

 

What? Oh you wanted a reason why this was number one on the list? Okay:

 

“HEEYYYY MACARENA!”

 

That’s what I thought. That and the stupid accompanying dance! Stand aside, I’m using both barrels for this one!


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