Presidential Bad Boyz
Land of the free.
Home of the brave.
The U.S of A.
Our nation was founded by some of the greatest minds the earth has ever known. Every year, we celebrate these heroes by telling their stories and marveling at their many accomplishments…which of course leaves us feeling entirely inadequate.
Come on, did you know James Garfield was not only ambidextrous — he could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other – at the same damn time?! How can you compete with that?!
We are tired of hearing inspiring presidential stories and are taking a stand. We don’t want to hear about how Washington told the truth about chopping down the cherry tree or how Teddy Bears are named after Theodore Roosevelt – we want scandal!
So in honor of President’s Day, we’ve done a little digging and are bringing you the DIRT from the White House’s original gangstas; let’s just say TMZ would have a field day with our founding fathers.
Time to put George and his boyz on blast:
George Washington was a boozer.
Our first President loved his alcohol. In fact, he was a really successful liquor distributor with a distillery in Mount Vernon that cranked out rye whiskey and brandy.
So, if you want to honor the man today on his birthday, presidential beer pong might be acceptable. Or you can make your own drinking game by reading the constitution out loud and taking a swig whenever you read the word “congress.” It will MESS. YOU. UP.
John Quincy Adams was a flasher.
THIS president liked his naked time so much that he’d do some early morning skinny dipping in the Potomac River, while serving in the White House. After heavy research and examining pictures of this guy, we found a striking correlation between the timing of his early morning routine and the first “big foot” sightings. Coincidence? We think not.
…actually, that last bit has no basis in fact, but it makes a better story.
Andrew Jackson was a lover AND a fighter.
Don’t be talkin’ about Andy’s woman unless you wanna get cut! Or challenged to a duel at the crack of dawn (which is an even bigger pain in the butt).
This dude was involved in over a hundred duels, mostly to defend the honor of his wife Rachel, who was HOTTTT. But don’t you even look at her or your to do list will include getting slapped with a white glove and setting your alarm clock way too early.
Millard Filmore was the original mack daddy.
This platinum playa married his teacher, Abigail Powers – fulfilling just about every teenage boy’s dream.
Mary Kay Letourneau, much?
Calvin Coolidge was a punk boss.
If you thought YOUR boss was bad – check this guy out. He’d ring the bells in the White House for all of his servants to come running and then hide to see which ones would come rushing in. He didn’t need anything – he just wanted to see who was working. Punk move, Coolidge.
Feel better now? So do we. It appears that having a checkered past does not have to inhibit your success. So this President’s Day, put on your tri-cornered hat, get naked, booze it up, and celebrate our great country!